OCD what is it and what does it mean? Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder also known as OCD is a mental illness that causes repeated unwanted thoughts or sensations (obsessions) or urges to do things over and over again (compulsions). If you were wondering obsessions are considered to be repeated thoughts, urges or mental images that cause anxiety. Compulsions are repetitive behaviors that a person with OCD feels the urge to do in response to an obsessive thought. Some well known compulsions include excessive hand washing and/or cleaning, repeatedly checking on things and compulsively counting objects and/or actions. The information I have provided comes from www.webmd.com and www.nimh.nih.gov.
Now that you have a better understanding as to what OCD is let me share with you how it is ever present in my life. I recently watched a video with my husband on youtube talking about what it is like to live with OCD. The video was done by John Green from vlogbrothers (yes the author) and it was talking about his experiences living with and having OCD. I found this video so easy to relate to because I have these spiral thoughts that he is talking about…like I am being strangled by my thoughts. I get stuck on and with a thought that continues to loop in my head on constant repeat. I however do not have the compulsions like a lot of other people who suffer from this condition. I do not suffer from excessive hand washing, cleaning or any of the other compulsions people suffer from when it comes to OCD. My struggle is strictly in the mind…well as I write that I do think about Covid 19 and the fact that I had started washing all my groceries for fear of bringing the illness into my home. I had washed the groceries for months before my husband said nope we are not doing that anymore. I must admit it was and sometimes is still terrifying that I am not washing them because of the what ifs… See that is my OCD at work…what if. I have never struggled with anything like that before but my counselor has said that OCD really comes out in people when they are under a lot of stress. She has assured me that OCD is something I have always had but that this pandemic has really brought out my symptoms. Looking back I can see where I had the tendencies for sure and I can also see how the symptoms have really come out in full force since this pandemic. Honestly though…it is simply exhausting and all consuming.
So I mentioned thought spirals and being murdered by my thoughts now let me explain what I mean by those statements. Actually let me give you an example of what it is like… I am going to base this on Covid 19 because that is what I have been really struggling with and well what has really set me off with my OCD. This past weekend I went to someone’s home to hang out for a bit and I wore my mask inside. I did this because the people who live there are not exactly the healthiest and they are in the age range where they are at serious risk if they were to catch the virus (well and lets be honest I am a germaphobe). When my friend (a younger person) and I went outside I took my mask off and kept my distance until I spotted the trampoline in the yard…oops. I may be a bit of an energetic person who may or may not border on hyper but that is besides the point. So my friend and I decide to hop up on the trampoline and jump for an hour or more and we were having a great time laughing and joking…unmasked and not socially distanced…oops. I should mention that I live in an area where there are currently only two documented active cases of the virus in a county of 30,000 people so really that is not bad. Anyways after an hour or so of jumping around and hanging out I head home in a great mood without any worries until I get closer to home where my husband and son are waiting for me. The spiral begins….I should have kept my mask on. Why did I take it off? What if I am carrying the virus? What if I passed it onto my friend? Oh my gosh if her grandparents get it and die it will be my fault. What if I caught the virus from her? What if I don’t show symptoms of it and then love on my husband and son? What if they get it? Oh no when we visit with my mother and father in law are they going to catch it? What if they catch it? It will be my fault…why didn’t I keep my mask on? I know better. I have put everyone at risk. Do I feel ok? Is there a cough coming on? Should I stay away from my loved ones? What if I get my friend and her family sick? What if they pass it along to more people without realizing they have it? Why did I take my mask off? This spiral will last for hours, days or even longer unless I actively work to try and stop it. When I get home I tell my husband that I was neglectful and that I took my mask off all while not socially distancing. Once I have made my confessions about that I then proceed to tell him my thoughts. I do this because my counselor has told me in the past to talk about my thoughts, fears and anxieties so that I am able to get a perspective on them…that is what my husband is helping me with when he talks to me about the likely hood of those things happening. When I allow myself to absorb what he is saying then my fears begin to slowly trickle away and I can get a better hold on myself until the next time I am triggered.
As you can see living with OCD is not fun and quite frankly it is down right exhausting. I think that for me one of the most frustrating parts of the condition is that I can see when my mind is being ridiculous and I can see what I am doing but I am powerless to stop it. It frustrates me so much because I know the difference and yet it still creeps up on me and takes over. I can not stress enough how grateful that I am to be in counseling during this time of Covid. I also want to say that I am super grateful to have found this video because it helped me to feel less alone in the world of OCD. I hope that this post can help someone feel a little less alone the way that this video has done for me. Besides helping someone to understand OCD even just a little bit is a win win in my book.